The results are in

So I am writing this blog from the comfort of a sun lounger by a pool in Morocco [insert smug face]. Completely unintentional but most welcome, we had booked a holiday which flew out the Saturday after the Thursday of our appointment… we hadn’t imagined it would be anywhere near that date, surely that appointment would have been weeks or months ago!

Never mind, it has worked out for us both. I don’t think either of us had realised just how much we needed to get that appointment done and just how much it had been weighing down on us. Pushing down on our shoulders like a sack of spuds.

On the way to Exeter we went to visit Wren, the sun was shining and everything looked just so. Wren is buried in the churchyard of where we got married, it is peaceful and beautiful. I wasn’t ever planning to be married in a church, I’m not christened but I can remember saying long before I met Wayne, if I was ever going to, that this church would be the one. I didn’t for one second think that would be how things turned out, I certainly didnt imagine we would then bury our child here.

The trip to Exeter was fine, we went to the shops to kill time and take our mind off things and then headed to the hospital with just enough time to check in before our appointment. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel going back there. The last time we travelled that road I was throwing up into a family sized biscuit tin and hanging on to the door handle like my life depended on it, the electric windows down, then up a hundered times to blow cold air on me. I remember going through the automatic doors to get in and it felt hot, then the desk at Triage and then the dark room. That dark room where all our dreams came crashing to the ground.

Apart from a dry mouth and a racing heart, I felt ok, we went to the usual desk and were greeted with folorn faces and escorted to a different waiting room, another desk and more folorn faces. We waited 20 minutes for our appointment and then another sad looking lady walked us around the hospital, through locked doors and empty corridors into a meeting room, a huge table with chairs all the way round. Wayne and I sat down and looked at each other. In my mind i remembered my mum’s inquest and how this felt really familiar, how I really hoped and wished that we weren’t about to go through the same blow by blow, technical discussion and investigative process.

Thankfully our consultant arrived and we both remembered how nice he was, cool a bit quirky but gentle and kind. He had a stack of notes with him but he talked to us sympathetically and not patronisingly. He seemed relieved to be able to tell us they found a reason, a reason that our little bird didn’t make it.

When we were in hospital before they said it was a 50/50 chance that they would find anything from the post mortem, our consultant said he rarely gets to provide an answer and that the odds are more like 80/20… I dont know if this counts as ‘lucky’ for us but I’ve got to hang on to something.

The blood test I had a week before had come back positive for the Lupus Anticoagulant which correlates with the findings from the tests on the placenta – it failed, it had lots of little clots, one or some of which stopped the blood flow to Wren which is why we lost her. The placenta was also small, evidently people with the Antiphospholipid Antibody (like me apparently) usually suffer miscarriage because the placenta does not develop well enough and then deteriorates before 24 weeks.

It was a miracle we made it so close to the finish line, so bloody close.

All of the tests they did on Wren were clear, she would have been a perfectly healthy baby girl, just as perfect as we already knew she was, if only…

The consultant explained that were we to have another pregnancy, the condition is treatable and he is confident we will make it well past the finshing post next time. Stress and anxiety would be the main concerns next time round.

It was such a range of emotions to feel all at once. Sadness, regret, relief, positivity, more sadness. One thing I can safely say is that the sack of spuds has gone, instantly a weight has lifted, I’m not sure if that is because we have an answer? Or just because that appointment is over? The unknown of what it might hold for us is now known. We already knew what the ending was but now we know a bit more of the story…

The sun is shining here. I am on the most part happy, to be away from everything, to be somewhere else, with Wayne to relax and I’ve had 2 full nights of sleep which is something I haven’t experienced for 5 months.

But, with sunshine comes less clothes and massive body hangups as I haven’t lost ANY baby weight and I’m the most uncomfortable in my skin I’ve ever been in my life. So I’m finding that hard and have had a few tears about it, couple that with some really terrible sunburned tan lines and although its laughable it has got me down a bit, the vitamin D is outweighing the uncomfortable feeling though, a bit of sunshine always makes things seem a little bit better.

By no means has our appointment been the answer to everything but hopefully it will help us to move on and tackle the next set of obstacles, ones that have been ignored whilst we waited and ones that will no doubt rear their heads as we go on. All playing their part of the journey to finding some happiness again.

In the meantime, the sun can shine down whilst I read a book and relax… [Insert second smug face here]

Happy Holiday 🌞