Today I should have an 18 month old baby…
It has been 6 months since I last posted and 19 weeks since Wrens little sister was born. There is so much that I wanted to say but the words just wouldn’t come.
The arrival of Robyn has bought with it relief, joy, happiness and so much love… I look at her all the time and can’t quite believe that she is here, she’s ours, she’s in our home, she is our responsibility and she is perfect. I look at her and it is difficult not to try and draw comparisons to her sister but I don’t think they are alike. I study the changes in Robyn and wonder how Wren would have altered as she grew? So much has changed in Robyn in every week, never mind the lifetime that stretches out before us, we are missing out on so much possibility by not having Wren here. But without Wren, we wouldn’t have Robyn so how does that even figure?
It is such a mixture of emotions on top of hormones and sleep deprivation.
I had no idea how it would feel to bring a baby home or what to do with one if we did. I spent 9 months not believing it would happen at all and trying to prepare my mind for what would happen if Robyn didn’t make it. Wrens death has awoken a pessimism in me that even I didn’t think was in there… I have always joked about being a miserable person, not being a people person and that I often find the worst in a situation, but it was only ever in jest… I could never have believed that something as awful as the death of my baby, at full term could even be a possibility. Now I’m the person who couldn’t believe it would be possible to give birth to a living baby, something was bound to happen, there was no chance she would make it. I don’t say this for sympathy it is just how I felt. If she died I’d be ok wouldn’t I, I’ve survived it once?
To hear my baby screaming in the theatre as she was brought into this world sent a huge wave of emotion crashing over me, disbelief excitement, love and fear.
Robyn made it, now I just have to cope with the fear for the rest of our lives that something might happen to her now she is here. Pregnancy and childbirth after loss is mentally exhausting.
A perfect baby girl is in my arms and another in my heart. The pain doesn’t subside, in fact emotions seem even more raw at times.
I read a post on Instagram yesterday and it really said everything…
🌈”It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and filled with light has appeared in the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope.”🌈
18 months since the most powerful and beautiful storm and 19 weeks since the energy and hope of a rainbow arrived 🧡