So much in life is out of your control…
We are expecting our second baby in January and are now 15 weeks into our pregnancy after loss journey, I don’t miss my beautiful first born any less because of this… my heart still yearns for her every waking hour, that broken piece of my heart will not be mended but it doesn’t stop my heart from swelling with the love for another baby, a new piece of me, of us, the hope that has been brought to us of a baby brother or sister for Wren.
We don’t ever forget that we are lucky, lucky to be able to conceive naturally, lucky that we had results from Wren’s post mortem and tests and lucky that we are able to proactively work with our consultant to treat my condition.
If everything goes to plan we will bring this baby home.
That doesn’t take away any of the what if’s or maybes, should I’s and shouldn’t I’s, will we or won’t we… is this really even happening? It’s easier to push it backwards and try not to think about it at all, just in case. Just in case a baby is not meant to be a part of my journey? I can’t help but consider that might be the case no matter how rational or irrational that may be.
I can swing from imagining another birth where my baby doesn’t cry to the opposite end of the scale where I wave my baby off on their first day at school and imagining what it will be like when they are grown and leave home – all in the same whirlwind of thoughts, it’s crazy… but maybe i am a little bit now!
Having a pregnancy so close to Wren made our visit to hospital for our 12 week scan feel strange, we were back in the usual waiting room and going through the same motions again that we were only just going through before… it was almost like a continuation of Wren, like she hadn’t been born yet and we were just at another check up. As if we hadn’t ever been through the pain of the past 8 months. Wayne put it better than I could “we shouldn’t be here” this wasn’t meant to be part of the master plan. I only ever imagined having one baby, certainly not two in such close succession.
Seeing that little baby wriggle on the screen kicking it’s legs and somersaulting gave such huge relief to us, if only temporary until the next scan… we will be counting down the weeks between each appointment and hoping for the same reassurance at each step, hopefully at our next midwife appointment we will be able to listen to the babies heart beat and be given another pinch of comfort that we have made it to another milestone.
There is no way to mend a broken heart, all we can do is fill the one we have with love.